Out4Immigration Applauds LGBT Inclusion in President’s Immigration Reform Proposal

Obama’s Plan Would Allow for Visas for Same-Sex Binational Couples

Media Contact: Amos Lim, Out4Immigration, 415-742-1626, amos@out4immigration.org

SAN FRANCISCO – JANUARY 29, 2012 – President Barack Obama called on Congress today to support and pass immigration reform legislation that will specifically help same-sex binational couples.

Following a speech in Las Vegas, Obama issued a written document for reform that “treats same-sex families as families by giving U.S. citizens and lawful permanent residents the ability to seek a visa on the basis of a permanent relationship with a same-sex partner.” This reflects language long a part of the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA) that has been circulating through Congress for more than a decade, but has never had enough support to come up for a vote.

Earlier this week, a Senate committee released their own proposal for immigration reform that did not specifically include the issue of same-sex binational couples – foreign nationals legally partnered with gay and lesbian Americans who presently are blocked by the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) from obtaining a green card through their relationship. This omission led to an immediate outcry from LGBT groups demanding that any immigration reform focusing on keeping families together included “all families.”

Members of Congress also spoke out against the Senate committee’s proposal, including Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY), long-time sponsor of UAFA, who called potential omission “madness”. Senator Dianne Feinstein, who never signed onto UAFA, spoke out in defense of same-sex binationals for the first time when she promised “same-sex, binational couples who are married or meet requirements for being in a bona fide long-term relationship ... are included.”

But before Congress could go any further with their immigration reform plans, the President delivered his version of revamping the system. In his speech he issued a firm message to lawmakers that should underscore for same-sex binationals relief is on the way. Obama warned Congress that if they deadlocked on debate over their proposal, he would ensure his bill went through.

There are an estimated 40,000 same-sex binational couples that could immediately benefit from comprehensive immigration reform. This includes couples who are legally married in one of the nine U.S. states and the District of Columbia, as well as those who have obtained civil unions or domestic partnerships. There are an unknown number of couples who live in exile, in countries that recognize their relationships for immigration purposes after all options to stay in the U.S. ran out. Additionally, there are many couples who have been forced to live apart, and still others who have fallen below the grid, remaining in the U.S. without documentation due to the long overdue need for immigration reform.

Out4Immigration is an all-volunteer grassroots group that works with all of the categories of same-sex binationals described above. The group works to educate the public about the issue and empower couples affected by immigration discrimination to speak out. Those willing to tell their stories are encouraged to visit this link: Count Me In / Same-Sex Binationals Share Their Stories: http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn.

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For more information:

Out4Immigration: http://www.out4immigration.org
Obama Reveals His Own Proposal for Immigration Reform: http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/obama-unveils-his-own-proposal-for-immigration-reform/2013/01/29/b27dcb78-6a47-11e2-95b3-272d604a10a3_story.html
Gay Couples Left Out of Immigration Reform: http://www.sfgate.com/nation/article/Gay-couples-left-out-of-immigration-plan-4230776.php#ixzz2JPiBDaMV
Count Me In / Same-Sex Binationals Share Their Stories: http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn
United by Love, Divided by Law: http://unitedbylovedividedbylaw.tumblr.com
Out4Immigration blog (featuring stories of same-sex binationals): http://out4immigration.blogspot.com/

Out4Immigration Prepares for SCOTUS Review of DOMA Cases

Urges Action from Same-Sex Binationals in Lead Up to Court Decision

Media Contact: Amos Lim, Out4Immigration, 415-742-1626, amos@out4immigration.org

SAN FRANCISCO – DECEMBER 12, 2012 – Out4Immigration welcomes the decision of the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) to hear two cases challenging the constitutionality of the federal Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). The court announced its intent to review the law on December 7^th.  A final decision is expected in June 2013. 

A ruling in favor of dismantling Section 3 of DOMA would give same-sex couples access to 1,138 federal marriage rights they are currently denied, including the right of an American citizen married to a foreign national the ability to secure a green card for their spouse. An estimated 40,000 of these couples, known as same-sex binationals, will benefit immensely from the end of DOMA.

Section 3 is the part of DOMA that says the word “marriage” can only be used to define a union between one man and one woman at the Federal Level. SCOTUS has chosen to hear the case in which an 83-year-old-widow, Edie Windsor, has been forced to pay more than $300,000 in estate taxes on her wife’s property due to DOMA. Heterosexuals do not have to pay estate taxes on property inherited from their spouse.  

“Just like Edie Windsor, same-sex binationals are also subject to  the harsh consequences of DOMA,” said Amos Lim, Community Outreach Director for Out4Immigration. “Immigration rights for spouses also are impacted by Section 3 of DOMA. As a consequence we have seen couples literally torn apart – forced to live on two separate continents, only able to spend a few weeks together each year.”

“We’ve also seen couples fall out of legal status, and face two very unacceptable options. Leave the US to live in exile in a country with more favorable immigration and marriage equality laws or accrue unlawful presence and face the daily fear of deportation.”

All of these options take an enormous emotional, physical and financial toll on the couples, their families and extended communities. 

Earlier this week, Out4Immigration joined more than 50 groups in signing a letter to the Obama Administration that asks for a green card abeyance policy to be put in place until SCOTUS makes its decision on DOMA.

While the fate of DOMA is now in the hands of SCOTUS, Out4Immigration urges same-sex binationals come forward and tell their stories to stoke the court of public opinion that already favors same-sex marriage. Out4Immigration has made it easy for couples to share their stories by completing this form: http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn

Stories of how couples met and the challenges they have faced in remaining together in spite of DOMA and immigration inequality are being featured on Out4Immigration’s blog, its United by Love, Divided by Law visual protest site and by GetEqual, an LGBT rights group working for full federal equality. The stories are being used to make the case for the Obama Administration to enact a “green card abeyance” policy, that is, to hold the applications of green cards for foreign nationals in same-sex binational relationships until DOMA’s constitutionally is decided by SCOTUS.

The stories will also be presented when Congress takes up comprehensive immigration reform next year, to ensure that same-sex binationals are included in any immigration reform legislation being introduced and voted on.  

“There is unbelievable power in these personal stories,” says Lim. “So many people are unaware of the struggles same-sex binationals face. When they hear that DOMA and US immigration laws have forced people to choose between their spouse and their country, they stand up and say, ‘This is wrong. This is not American.’ And then, we hope, they will call or write Congress to demand change.”

Share your story, or share this link with a same-sex binational couple you know: http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn

  

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For more information:

Out4Immigration: http://www.out4immigration.org

Out4Immigration blog (featuring stories of same-sex binationals): http://out4immigration.blogspot.com/

United by Love, Divided by Law: http://unitedbylovedividedbylaw.tumblr.com

Count Me In / Same-Sex Binationals Share Their Stories: http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn

United by Love, Divided by Law: http://unitedbylovedividedbylaw.tumblr.com

GetEqual: http://getequal.org/

“Supreme Court Showdown: With Prop. 8 and DOMA Heading for SCOTUS, Historic Hopes Mingles with Quieter Caution”: http://www.metroweekly.com/news/?ak=7965&pagenumber=all

“Gay Marriage Support: 51 Percent of Americans Are in Favor of Marriage Equality, Poll Shows”: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/14/gay-marriage-support-majority-americans-poll_n_2130371.html

Groups Call on Obama Administration to Take Action for Binational Couples”: http://www.washingtonblade.com/2012/12/10/54-groups-call-on-obama-to-take-action-for-bi-national-couples/

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Our Story: Eleanor and Fumiko

American Grandmother Forced to Live in Exile in Canada While Supreme Court Considers Same-Sex Marriage Case

Fumiko and I met in New York way back in 1986. At the time, I was a 46 year old American woman working as a computer programmer, while Fumiko was a 37 year old Japanese woman studying as a weaver. Fumiko had planned to be in New York for just six months, on her way to Guatemala in order to study indigenous weaving techniques there. Unbeknownst to us when we were introduced by a mutual friend, our lives would soon become much more complicated.

Just a few weeks after we met, Fumiko was scheduled to head to Guatemala, and we decided to go on that trip together — the beginning of our now 26-year relationship. After a series of travels to Guatemala, then Mexico, then Japan, and then back to New York, we settled temporarily in the Big Apple to see if we could make this new relationship work.

We soon discovered what all binational same-sex couples discover — that U.S. law is by no means hospitable to couples like us, refusing to allow Americans to sponsor their same-sex partner for immigration purposes. Eight years into our relationship, Fumiko was forced to return to Japan with no clear avenue to ever return to the U.S. and to our life together. Years of short-term trips, tourist visas, student visas, tears of despair, and glimmers of hope eventually led us back to New York.

For three years, we did everything we could to be together — to get around unjust laws, to buy ourselves more time together, to try everything we could imagine a way that we could continue to share the life we had built together. Faced with an expired visa, Fumiko eventually had to return again to Japan alone, as I remained in New York, forlorn.

Fortunately, we discovered that we could live together in Canada with a bit more ease, as Canada welcomes same-sex immigrant couples. We began preparing their applications in early 2005 and were approved in 2007. We made arrangements to wind down our respective lives in Japan and New York in order to build — again — a new life together. We have lived together in Canada for five years as permanent residents — it’s certainly not a perfect situation as we’re both separated from our families, but it’s the only option we have until the United States becomes more hospitable to binational same-sex couples.

I return to New York and Boston often to check in on my grown children and, now, grandchildren. Fumiko returns to Japan every few years, as well, but is happy to return “home” each time. Last August, we married in Massachusetts.

The amount of time, money, and anxiety that U.S. immigration and marriage laws have cost us in enormous. We have been separated many times, adding unnecessary stress to our lives and to the lives of our family. It seems unjust that we have had to make such hard choices and such immense sacrifices simply to be together — and we look forward to the day that the United States finally lives up to the values articulated in the U.S. Constitution. We know that the U.S. is better than its laws — and we’re looking to the Supreme Court now to solve the problems that we and so many other binational same-sex couples must navigate each day for the sake of love.

Are you a same sex binational couple?  Do you have families / friends affected by this issue?  Please contact us at http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn if you are interested in sharing your story.

Our Story: Judy and Karin

U.S. Citizen Turning 65 Appeals to Senator Dianne Feinstein for Help

Binational Same-Sex Couples to Congress: “Enact LGBT-Inclusive Immigration Reform!”

In 2005, Karin and I met via an online dating site. I hadn’t had much luck with online dating before, but a friend convinced me to try one more time. I gave it my best shot — a long, thoughtful profile and several photos. One day, I saw that someone had clicked on my profile, but hadn’t sent me a message. I messaged her, which freaked her out a bit. But she decided that someone who had spent so much time on their profile deserved an answer, which led to a flurry of online messages.

Messages turned into phone calls, and our ignorance about U.S. law allowed us to develop a relationship without knowledge that the U.S. government would eventually stand in the way of our being together. At the time, we didn’t know how much — the bliss of ignorance about the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was a big factor in our early days. I am embarrassed to say I didn’t know much about the issue, though I have been actively working on LGBT civil rights since the 1970′s when I came out. Karin and I have learned that many, even in the LGBT community, don’t know about the problem that binational same-sex couples face when trying to be together. In fact, most binational same-sex couples learn about the DOMA discrimination challenge the hard way — in the trenches.

Photo: Lavi Soloway/The DOMA Project

Karin was visiting from France and knew nothing about DOMA. She hadn’t intended to enter into a long-term relationship — but both of our lives have changed dramatically as a result of that fortuitous click on my profile. It was only as our connection and our relationship began to deepen that we discovered the horrible truth that American citizens are forced every day to make a choice between love or country, spouse or career. I don’t think any American citizen should have to face this choice!

Because I chose Karin, I had to take early retirement and months-long forays out of California so that we could stay together.

The difficulties of binational same-sex couples became crystal clear after Karin was detained for hours in the San Francisco International Airport when we came home together in April, 2009. She had been out of the country for six months and I went to visit her, taking extra unpaid time off of work before we flew back home together. As I was getting our luggage, I turned and saw that she was no longer at the passport desk. She had disappeared! After standing there for a half hour or so, I was told that I had to leave — I couldn’t loiter at the luggage area. “But my friend isn’t here yet,” I told the guard. We couldn’t be truthful about our relationship, we learned, at passport crossings.

Over three hours later, Karin emerged in the international lobby, exhausted and shaken. She explained what had happened to her and shared that three Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officials had questioned her and told her she was visiting the U.S. too often. They told her to leave the country for a long time. That night we had a big dose of what so many others suffer from being same-sex binational couples. It put us into high gear about seeing what we could do to get this situation fixed. When I went to work a few days later, I told my boss that I would have to quit my job and take early retirement, so that I could be together with my wife. No one could believe that we had faced this situation at the airport, that our future was so heavily impacted. Karin was able to stay with me for four months, but then she had to leave “for a long time” — still an unspecified length of time by the federal government.

I am now retired. I have a pension that is smaller than it would have been if I could have worked to age 65, but we’re doing everything we can to ensure that we can be together and we won’t stop fighting for the solution we all need. In August, 2010, I got the bug to write a book about people like us. Torn Apart: United by Love, Divided by Law was another labor of love, and we have used that book to share our story and the stories of many others, as well as key information on groups working toward a solution to this problem. Proceeds from sales of the book are donated to Out4Immigration and two other groups. Karin and I speak about this issue at conferences. We have been on TV and radio. I have preached about it in church. I keep a blog and website going with stories and resources and upcoming events about our issue. It’s exciting and exhausting. We find that it is hard to document your life while you are living it — but we think it’s worth it (even on our bad and cranky days!).

The end of another year approaches and Karin and I are now calling ourselves Prisoners of Love instead of Love Exiles. Why? Because we are “under further review” with USCIS, the federal customs and immigration service. We cannot leave the U.S. together because Karin would not be allowed back in. She is not out of status, since she is in proceedings, but our status has not been finalized, either. So instead of being out of the country together as Love Exiles as we have been for six months at a time in the past, we are now home (two years in February 2013), though constantly on edge because of the threat of deportation. We’ve watched weddings via Skype, we’ve helped friends heal from surgery via phone, we’ve experienced grandchildrens’ graduations through photos — we’re literally watching our families’ lives pass us by from afar — and we’re angry about it!

In January, 2012 I applied for a marriage-based green card for Karin as part of The DOMA Project's effort to achieve full adjudication and, eventually, approval for all our green card cases (www.domaproject.org). Because of DOMA, our green card petition cannot yet be approved, but we decided not to let a little thing like an unconstitutional federal law stop us. We are pushing the envelope and helping break the wall of discrimination that all same-sex binational couples face by demanding to be treated with dignity and respect even as DOMA blocks our path to full equality. We will not settle for less, and therefore we decided will not wait any longer to take up this fight.  We are legally married and we want the federal government to recognize our relatioship and treat us like all married couples should be treated.  Along with dozens of other couples in The DOMA Project we have had our green card interview and are presenting our arguments to have our green card case put on hold until DOMA has been ruled upon by the Supreme Court.

Karin and I are in our golden years. She turned 72 this year. I face 65 in the first week of 2013. We don’t want much — we just want to be together, safely and legally. And if we can be healthy and happy and wise, that’s the icing on our cake! We love the Out4Immigration folks we have met on this journey. We love those we have met from other groups, too. We donate what we can to GetEQUAL and other LGBT equality/civil rights groups, and we share stories and information online and in person as often as possible. And we won’t stop until DOMA is relegated to the dustbins of history and we can live our lives in peace!

Are you a same sex binational couple?  Do you have families / friends affected by this issue?  Please contact us at http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn if you are interested in sharing your story.

Our Story: Susan and Julie

Daughter of U.S. Army Veteran Calls on Congress for Help

Binational Same-Sex Couples to Congress: “Enact LGBT-Inclusive Immigration Reform!”

The United States recently celebrated Thanksgiving and, while I am giving thanks for many things, one of my greatest sorrows during this holiday season is that my loving partner, Julie, was not with me to celebrate this greatest of American family holidays. Julie is my family – my chosen family. But our laws in the U.S. dictate that, even though we could legally marry in New York State, I am unable to sponsor her for immigration as my spouse.

It may seem rather cheesy to say we “met online” but, with technology as it is today, when a mutual friend introduced us to each other via email, we found we had a lot in common and became friends. We were email friends for two years before I met Julie in person during a business trip to Australia. And in that meeting, we confirmed that daily emails and weekly Skype visits had led us to more than simply friendship. We knew it would be hard – being a bi-national couple is hard on so many fronts – but being a same-sex couple, when neither of our countries recognized us as a couple, was a harsh reality that confronted us immediately.

I lived in Hong Kong at the time we met. When I retired in 2011, we were finally able to live together full time. We share homes in both Australia and the United States, but after a grilling at the Chicago airport earlier in 2012, we realized that Julie needed to be careful.

It’s been hard over the last several months. Both of my parents have had surgery, and I have become a primary supporter. Julie was trained as a nurse but, because we fear she might be barred at immigration, we decided that only I would come back to the U.S. to help them. My parents love and trust her, and it would benefit them for her to be able to be here. I would also benefit from her support.

I’ll be honest. I’m one of the lucky ones. Australia changed its laws in 2009 by defining a “de facto” couple as two people (opposite- or same-gender) who have a genuine, exclusive relationship, but who are not married. Australia has granted me permanent residency as a “de facto” partner. Julie and I went through a process that would be analogous to the US process for sponsoring a spouse for immigration. We proved that our relationship was genuine through a 5-inch stack of paper detailing the mingling of our finances, our daily Skype logs, our email presence, sworn support letters from her family of origin and my business colleagues, police checks (three different countries for me!), and a medical exam. I was granted a two-year temporary residency visa that allowed me to enter and leave Australia at will. Last August, that temporary visa was replaced with a Permanent Resident visa – the equivalent of a U.S. Green Card. I can live, work and pay taxes in Australia. The Australian government recognizes me as part of a couple.

Friends have asked us, “Why don’t you just live in Australia?” We could do that. But we have lives in both countries, and we have family in both countries. We have elderly parents in both countries. We have homes in both countries. If Australia recognizes us, why can’t the United States? Why must we choose one country over the other? Why should I essentially have to live in exile to be with my partner full-time?

My U.S. citizenship is very important to me. I was not born in the U.S. I am a naturalized U.S. citizen, as my father was serving in the United States Army in Germany when I was born. Even though I was born to U.S. citizens, I am not a “natural-born” US citizen. After all that my parents went through for our family and for our country, it’s very hard to be told that my relationship, my family, is not worthy to be in the United States.

The tide is turning in the United States. We celebrated with Maine, Washington and Maryland on Election Day as same-sex marriage was approved at the ballot box. We watch with fingers crossed as the Supreme Court of the United States decides whether to rule on the constitutionality of Section 3 of DOMA on November 30th. We pray for luck every May 1st when the results of the U.S. Diversity Lottery are announced.

For six years now, Julie and I have done everything we can to be together, even though U.S. laws keep us apart. We are both retired, and are watching our available funds for airline tickets dwindle. We watch the aging of our parents, and want to spend as much time with them as we can in their elder years.

We continue to hope. We continue to believe that we are human beings, with the same rights, the same dreams and the same feelings as our straight friends and family. We wish to have the pursuit of happiness in our own backyard!

We are America. We are Australia. We are a family.

Are you a same sex binational couple?  Do you have families / friends affected by this issue?  Please contact us at http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn if you are interested in sharing your story.

Our Story: Brad and Raul

Peace Corps Volunteer Asks Congress to Pass Inclusive Immigration Reform

After Giving Two Years of His Life to the Peace Corps, Former Volunteer Wants to Spend Rest of His Life with Ecuadorian Partner

Ever since I was a kid, the holidays were a blur of good food, family, and friends. Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas were always reminders to be thankful for what we had and share with those we love. This year, Raul and I have much for which to be grateful. For the first time since 2009, we will be sharing Christmas together. After more than a year of living in different countries, we now live under the same roof, sharing the same meals, and making friends in a new city and country—the United Kingdom, our new home.

Raul and I first met during my service as a Peace Corps volunteer in Southern Ecuador. I was working as a social worker in a rural highland community. I still remember getting that first flirtatious text message, thinking “he’s surely exaggerating his positive qualities”. Fortunately, he wasn’t! Raul really is the sweet, caring, and handsome man he said he was. After some initial hesitation on my part, we started a relationship that continues to this day, nearly three years later. For the rest of my time in the Peace Corps, Raul and I were nearly inseparable. He would often visit me and my host family in the parish where I lived. We would travel Ecuador together on vacations, visiting friends and his family on the coast.

As my service experience drew to a close in mid-2010, we started to explore our options. We both wanted Raul to meet my family over the holidays as I’d had the chance to visit his on many occasions. Sadly, Raul’s application for a visitor’s visa to the US was denied, in part because he did not have enough assets to convince the immigration officer of his return to Ecuador and in part because he was honest about our relationship during his interview. I still remember the day Raul called me with the bad news. He was devastated, and there was nothing I could do to comfort him that day. I promised I would save up and return to Ecuador if he could not see my family for the holidays.

I returned to Ecuador at the beginning of 2011 to work as a field consultant with a social enterprise initiative, earning just $200 per month. We also opened a small café/bar together in the hopes that it would improve his chances of eventually visiting my family in the US. During the next 8 months, the two of us worked hard at our day and night jobs. We were poor and tired, but at least we had each other. Acting on pro-bono advice from Lavi Soloway of the DOMA Project (www.domaproject.org) we prepared for Raul’s next visa application by securing invitations, bonds, and letters of support from family and government officials, including my Congressman at the time, Bruce Braley. We knew that chances were slim that Raul would be granted a visitor’s visa, but we had to try. My grandparents were going to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary and it was the perfect way to meet my extended family. On what I would describe as one of the happiest days of my life, Raul’s application for a visitor’s visa was granted. It was just short of a miracle.

In August of 2011, Raul’s and my wish finally came true. He met my family and shared in the celebrations of my grandparents’ 50th anniversary. He was even included in the family photo! Raul’s visit allowed me to share with him my hometown, American football at my alma mater — Notre Dame – and the city of Chicago where I would ultimately spend the next year pursuing my Master’s degree in Psychology. As Raul’s departure drew near, anxiety soon settled in as we were left with few options. He could either overstay his visa, living in fear of deportation or return to Ecuador. For a number of reasons, we decided it would be best for Raul to return.

On our two year anniversary in December, I returned to Ecuador to celebrate our Civil Union in Ecuador. It was a modest celebration held in the house of one of Raul’s friends. While the circumstances were not what either of us envisioned for our marriage, we knew we needed a more formal recognition of our relationship. Following our short “mini-honeymoon” to the central Ecuadorian highlands, I returned to the US to celebrate Christmas with my family. It would be nine months before I would see Raul again.

Those nine months were some of the most difficult we have experienced. The loneliness was crushing at times. While I loved Chicago and my studies at the University of Chicago, my heart was elsewhere. Soon after my arrival, I eventually began exploring the possibility of PhD programs in the UK and Canada where I would be able to live together with Raul. As fortune would have it, my supervisor connected me with a researcher at the University of Birmingham. Faster than I ever expected, I was not only admitted but offered a generous studentship—not an easy feat in cash-strapped Europe.

This year, Raul and I will be sharing the holidays with our families from behind a computer screen, more than an ocean away. While online video calls are a reality for many Americans who find themselves overseas for the holidays, our life as exiles entails an additional burden: Raul remains stuck on the outside. I promised him I will not leave him again and I mean it.  For this reason, we’re joining with Out4Immigration and GetEQUAL to call on Congress to include provisions for exiled LGBT families like mine in Comprehensive Immigration Reform. Inclusive immigration reform would allow me to sponsor Raul for a green card and start our lives together in the US. It would mean that we would be free to spend the holidays with my family—something we have been unable to do to this day. There is no excuse for delay. Justice delayed is justice denied. The time to act is now.

Are you a same sex binational couple?  Do you have families / friends affected by this issue?  Please contact us at http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn if you are interested in sharing your story.

Our Story: Art and Stuart

As we head from Thanksgiving into the December holiday season, GetEQUAL and Out4Immigration are highlighting just a few of the stories of binational same-sex couples and the struggles they encounter daily in order to be together. This is the second in the series, and we’re thankful to both Out4Immigration and to Art and Stuart for sharing this story…

Texas Man Separated From Husband This Holiday Season Due to U.S. Law

Binational Same-Sex Couples to Congress: “Enact LGBT-Inclusive Immigration Reform!”

I am a music teacher in San Antonio, Texas, and have spent much of my life developing a mastery of the piano, the organ, and the voice.  I also love computers and online social networks, which is where I ultimately met my [now] husband, Stuart Metcalfe(-LeSieur).

Three years ago, I found Facebook — and thus a limitless opportunity to meet all sorts of people from all over the world. I was just coming out as a gay man and found the freedom of Facebook to be an incredibly powerful way to explore my emerging identity. As I waded through new Facebook friends, one in particular caught my attention — Stuart. I watched a video he had posted to Facebook — complete with charming British accent, which I immediately recognized after having been stationed in the United Kingdom while in the military. He was putting himself down for how he looked on camera, and I wrote back to affirm how great the video was — beginning an ongoing conversation of texts, chats, emails, and eventually Skype.

The first time we Skyped, I was so nervous and flustered that the only thing I could manage to get out was, “Hi! I like Monty Python!” Stuart was patient with me, suggesting that I might want to check out some more updated forms of British humor — and thus we began a friendship based in humor and deep conversations about nearly everything under the sun. As I went through a painful divorce that summer, Stuart was one of my biggest emotional supports — and my family soon welcomed him into the fold through Skype sessions of their own.

We continued to navigate our emerging relationship and tried to cobble together the money to see and talk with one another across the distance. I had never thought about the lengths that binational same-sex couples go to in order to be with one another, and the stress that adds to new — and even seasoned — relationships. We finally uttered the “L” word to one another — declaring our love even as Stuart was traveling in Egypt and I was in South Texas. When Stuart visited me in San Antonio soon thereafter, I dropped to one knee and asked him to marry me. He said yes, and we spent the next 19 months trying to figure out how to navigate the process of getting married in the United States and building a life here with my children.

My parents gave their blessing whole-heartedly and we married in my hometown in Massachusetts by a long-time friend of the family. Stuart can only visit the U.S. twice a year for about three weeks at a time, and we have no mechanism for him to move here permanently as long as the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is in place. His visits here require massive overtime work from him in order to afford each trip and to build up vacation days to spend with me. Those visits are met with great anticipation but, even with the joy of his arrival, there is always a looming sadness that the clock is ticking until his departure. Each time I drop him off at the airport, it’s like having my entire being ripped out of my body. Losing my spouse for such long periods of time tears me apart spiritually and emotionally — our home runs so beautifully when our children have two loving fathers physically at home, but I become overwhelmed when I return again to being a single father.

Despite being legally married in the state of Massachusetts, we cannot apply for a spousal visa so that Stuart and I can build a life together here in the United States. No marriage should have to endure this kind of stress and separation simply because of a discriminatory law. We’re simply asking for a chance to be together and to share the same civil rights that our friends, neighbors, and family enjoy. Holidays are especially difficult — it’s hard to decorate the house or enjoy the season when I’m longing for the day I can wake up early on a holiday morning to share a cup of coffee with my husband. Until the day that we truly see equal protection under the law for all, I’m left holding that cold cup of coffee alone — longing for the warm and loving home that my husband and I deserve.

Are you a same sex binational couple?  Do you have families / friends affected by this issue?  Please contact us at http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn if you are interested in sharing your story.

Our Story: Tammy and Sally

Early in 2003, I was coming out of an emotionally abusive, 24-year marriage to a man. Searching for support online, I finally found a message board that not only gave me an outlet for healing after this abuse, but also an outlet to explore emerging questions I was having about my sexual orientation. I connected with one of the forum members, Sally, immediately – finding much in common in our pasts, but also finding much in common in the futures we were creating for ourselves. Forum messages progressed to emails and instant messages before we knew it and, over the course of many months, it seemed as though our friendship had grown to much more.

Sally lived in England and I lived in Texas – presenting a logistical challenge that I had never imagined. Later that year, I traveled to England to see if what we felt was a passing friendship or something deeper. We spent five days together that were heaven on earth – before reality came crashing down around us. When she drove me to the airport at the end of those five days, we weren’t sure if we would ever see each other again. I traveled back to Texas and began exploring what steps I would need to take in order for us to be together.

  

I sold my business, got a more flexible job, and we began traveling back and forth between the U.K. and the U.S. We ran up thousands of dollars in phone bills and plane tickets before deciding to get legally married in Canada with the hopes of helping our situation. I proposed to her on a trip to Washington State and we married in Toronto in July 2004. We honeymooned in Mexico and were forced to again go our separate ways, hoping that we would soon be able to be together permanently.

Oh, now naïve we were in those days! We soon learned that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) prohibits the government from recognizing our marriage or allowing me to sponsor Sally for immigration purposes. We were grasping at straws at that point, and started to find other couples online who were dealing with similar situations – a bittersweet discovery, to be sure.

We finally realized that the only way for us to live together as a married couple would be for me to move to the U.K. I was ultimately granted a visa under the Highly Skilled Migrant Programme and left behind my entire life – including my two daughters, extended family, and friends – to start over. Never in a million years did I think that, in 2012, I would still be living in England.

Eight years ago, I assumed that passage of the Uniting American Families Act would be a sure thing once people saw the injustice of the U.S. immigration system, and that we would soon be able to move back to the U.S. Though I’ve rebuilt my career in England and found a place that accepts me for who I am, the same cannot be said for my home country.

My older daughter has since married and has two beautiful boys – my two grandsons. My younger daughter has struggled financially – I’ve been forced to care for her from across an ocean, tearing my heart apart each day. We’re occasionally able to go back to the U.S. for short visits, but do so rarely because Sally is so fearful of going through immigration after being detained once before. As an American citizen, I’m embarrassed at the way my country treats me, but horrified by how my country treats my wife.

My grandchildren, now 3 ½ and 20 months, only really know me by voice and through the internet. I’m not able to be a proper grandmother to them, nor can I support the rest of my family as I wish. Two years ago, my father committed suicide – because of DOMA, I wasn’t there to support my brother as we grieved our father because my government chooses to discriminate against me.

I’m not there for birthdays, Thanksgiving dinners, Christmas morning deliveries from Santa Claus, Easter egg hunts, or Mother’s Day lunches. I’ll miss my grandsons reveling in their Thanksgiving meal today, and I won’t be able to cook them the secret family sugar cookie recipe. For yet another year, I can’t watch them open the presents I sent for them next month for Christmas. I’ve lost years of those holiday memories and I will never get them back. I have been married to my soul mate for over eight years now, and have been living in exile for seven them. I will continue to miss years of holiday celebrations unless DOMA is repealed or LGBT-inclusive comprehensive immigration reform is passed. I deserve to see my grandsons grow up – I deserve to be equal

Are you a same sex binational couple?  Do you have families / friends affected by this issue?  Please contact us at http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn if you are interested in sharing your story.