Together, Apart: DOMA Violates Human Rights

by Teva Alexander

In 2005, I was an American doing an internship in Italy when I met my partner Ido, an Israeli, also studying in Italy. We connected immediately. When my family came to visit me in Italy, they too fell in love with him. I was 25 years old and my life seemed so good. Everything was coming together for me – love and a career. Ido and I spoke about the future and him coming to America to live with me when our studies were complete. But as our plans to be together in America started to take shape, that’s when we met the realities of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and the wall it imposes on same-sex binational couples like me and Ido.

The day I learned that I had no right as a US citizen to bring the person I loved home with me to my country is a day I will never forget. My heart dropped from my chest. Suddenly I felt as if I had no country. It was unfathomable that I had worked so hard – I paid taxes, I studied, I had never been in trouble with the law. Yet I was - and am - being punished. My Mum was in shock when we spoke about it and I told her the decision I had to make, one that I will never regret. I stayed with my partner illegally in Italy. That was the choice I was given: Love or Country. I chose my partner.

After those few years, however, I ultimately decided I needed to continue my career. I returned home to America only to lose job after job during the financial meltdown. Financially I was ruined; my student loans were knocking at my door and the roof felt as if it was caving in. There was nothing I could do. Ido and I spent these years meeting and parting, painful goodbyes and hurt that I wish on no one. When an opportunity arose for me to move to Israel, I took it. It meant that I’d have a country both my partner & I could live in.

Israel is one of the more than 20 countries in the world that allow you to sponsor your same-sex partner. I remained in Israel as my partner continued his studies in Italy. I was closer to him than I had been in years. A 3-hour flight and we could be near each other. Italy, like America, has the same non-recognition of same-sex partnerships, but I could come to Italy for 3-month intervals under a “tourist visa”.

In the winter of 2011 I made an emergency trip back to the United States. My Mum was diagnosed with a very serious type of leukemia. As a family, all my siblings rushed to her bedside. Ido flew in also; he is a huge part of our family. He stayed 3 weeks and had to return to Italy. For the following 8 months I remained in the United States with my mother. Ido and I cancelled a wedding we planned in Sept. 2011 in Israel. Last summer, Ido again returned to the States to stay with us. He brought much joy to my family during those tough times.

In August my Mum passed away. Her wish was for me and Ido to marry and be happy, but soon we had to separate again. His 3-month tourist visa was up and his studies awaited him in Italy. I cannot stress how difficult this time has been. We are so tired of saying goodbye.

We remain apart, except when we can meet months at a time with several months apart between visits. We have spent as many as 8 and 9 months apart. Our financial and emotional losses are too great to put in words. DOMA and the lack of rights of LGBT Americans to sponsor our foreign partner do so much damage to families. My family has no problem with whom I love. How can the U.S. government decide what is permissible in this regard? Ido and I are yet another example of what it means to be united by love, divided by law. I thought human rights are a policy of the United States, yet my human rights and those of Ido feel nonexistent.

It’s time for the U.S. government to do something to stop this policy against same-sex binational couples. It’s time to repeal DOMA, so the more than 36,000 couples like us can have the same rights as heterosexual Americans with foreign spouses.

Let's Get Out the Vote, Let's Make Our Voice Heard

by Mark Gerardy

A few short weeks go by and then all of a sudden - it is Tuesday, November 2nd! Gosh it seemed like just yesterday it was September - where did October go?

Hmmm, let's see here, today I have to wake up and do the morning routine, go into work, and then afterwards I was planning to... No, wait a minute; I think that is Election Day?

Gosh...voting. I have been there, and before I empowered myself to take control of my own destiny, I followed the same set pattern of complacency and apathy.

The whole mindset works like this:

"Well, you know I only have one vote, and in the masses, my one vote really doesn't count. How can that possibly make a difference? What's in it for me? And why doesn't Obama and the HRC get off their butts and do something for us? They don't deserve my vote. If they are not going to do anything for me, then why should I vote for them?”

However consider:

If you have two choices, one who is a friend that lets you down (i.e., Democrats), versus a sworn-enemy who is intent of making your life as miserable as possible (i.e., many Republicans), then who do you choose? By not participating, then you are allowing others to make their vote count more, that much more for the Republicans.

Voting is not "rewarding" anyone; voting is about making the most pragmatic choice as possible so that there might be a snowball's-chance-in-hell that DADT and DOMA get repealed; ENDA and UAFA passed. If you want to "reward" a candidate, then that is called a financial contribution to their campaign, not a vote.

Fundamentalists have their entire church congregations voting for Republicans, so every one of our votes does count, to go against the tide that can be overcome, like the tide that was overcome in 2008.

The way to add power to your voice and vote is by getting others involved - and collectively our "one" votes become now "many" votes. It is all about inspiration - me inspiring you to inspire more you's to become "us". This is collectivism, forging a united front together. This is about teamwork, and each and every one of you voting – and encouraging your friends and family to vote too. This is about cooperation and working together and making our collective voice heard.

We have already done this and continue to do the same with working with our respective major cities to pass resolutions supporting the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA).

NOW is the time to start getting out into your local GLBT community – through your local GLBT Community Center, through GLBT political or advocacy organizations, through the network of bars and clubs, any place that you can get anyone to lend an ear.

Public policy is passed by votes, and the people casting those votes are voted on by you and I. Public policy is not created by complacency or apathy, it is created by tangible actions. If you can convince three other people to get out and vote, then you have amplified your voting power three-fold.

I strongly encourage all of you to do more than just vote. Use this October to start working with you family, friends, and their friends to collectively work together to make a difference. First, know where to vote. Second, set up rides or shuttle service to the voting polls. Third, get people motivated and work to dispel apathy that is not productive, it is just a twisted way of feeling good. There are other ways of feeling good that are much more effective than sulking about not voting, because Obama’s superman cape fell off and that he had a run in his tights, causing not enough pro-GLBT stuff to get done.

MANY of the mid-term races are VERY CLOSE races. It not out of the question that your efforts, and through your efforts alone, that you might have the potential to get one GLBT-friendly representative or senator in our court, and then cause your state to tip the scales to pass UAFA, or end DADT – which failed by four measly votes.

So get out there this October in preparation for November and do your part to make it happen. Do not let October pass you by.

"Imagine..." - guest post by Out4Immigration member Mark Gerardy

Imagine...

Today, just like me, you may have:

A busy life. Deadlines. Pressures. And not the life that you dreamed of having when you got to be all grown up. While you are in control now – but not everything is in your control.

Your ability to be together with your partner, spouse, wife or husband - who is either half-a-world away or on a limited-stay in the United States - or both of you living in limbo, exile, or out of suitcases of uncertainty.

This is the reality for many same-sex binational couples - where one partner is an American citizen and the other is not.

Meanwhile our heterosexual counterparts - so-called "opposite-sex binational couples" - may live a life of peaceful bliss, or at least do not face these same challenges. Their "challenges" of the lawn getting mowed, the morning paper being late or their breakfast cereal being soggy are quaint in comparison to just the ability of us to be able to sponsor and be with the one that we love on a permanent basis to build that nest together called home. Our counterparts are not wrong, they are just unaware - and we are that key to awareness.

There are two main things that for me have been important to achieve in life - a successful career and a loving partner in a long-term, committed relationship and marriage.

Many of you like myself have already struggled, persevered and eventually embarked upon a successful career. That struggle is over, and yet there are still some things worth fighting for:

The one that I love.
The one that you love.

Our partners - Our wives - Our husbands

For those in the military, certainly DADT may be a bigger battle to fight. For many of us that reside in states that lack statewide anti-discrimination in employment, certainly passing ENDA may be a bigger battle to try to pass.

But for most of us, just the ability to have some permanence in our lives with the one that we love, for me that is most important.

So what? Will I even make a difference?

538.

The lack of five-hundred and thirty-eight Floridian votes in November 2000 forever changed our lives and political landscape for the last eight years.

Too busy? In some cases, for those who are really struggling in other areas of their lives or facing life events above and beyond being reunited with their partner forever - then this is understandable.

However if you want to get something done, then ask a busy person to do it. I could write you a dissertation on that concept.

So then how can I make a difference? What can I do?

Here are some of the things that you can do to make a difference:

1) Write a letter to your Senator or Representative urging Congress to find the political will to get Comprehensive Immigration Reform passed inclusive of permanent partners and our ability to sponsor the one that we love.

2) Call and/or email your Senator or Representative and request the same.

3) Take part in Out4Immigration's weekly online letter writing to Congress on Change.org. It's easy and takes less than 1 minute to contact 5 members of the House and/or Senate.

4) Reach out and join local pro-immigration organizations that are behind CIR - and work with their leadership behind the scenes to ensure that LGBT people are included in their efforts too.

5) Reach out into the LGBT community itself - it is amazing the number of our own gay and lesbian counterparts who are not in binational relationships that are oblivious to our predicament - as well as many LGBT persons who are conservative and actually side with others against immigration. Many are reachable, it just takes effort and dialog to reach out and generate this awareness.

6) Build coalitions and alliances with other pocket populations affected by the current broken Immigration Policy. Asians, Latinos, Middle Easterners, Africans and Europeans are all affected by an unfair immigration policy. For LGBT Asians, there are over 50 Asians & Friends and Long Yang Club chapters around the United States (I am President of the Denver, Colorado chapter).

For LGBT Latinos, there is LOCOS and ENLACE; for LGBT Middle Easterns there is Al-Fatiha as well as many Yahoo meet-up groups. Get involved. If nothing else, friendship is a cure for loneliness while you patiently wait for the one that you love.

7) Pay a visit to your local City Council and make inroads with known supporters in your community and in state and local government to pass a Resolution in favor of the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA). Contact Tom via Comprehensive = Inclusive Immigration Reform (CIIR) or tom@out4immigration.org to learn more.

8) Reach out at your local PrideFest. You are going to PrideFest anyway, right? Work with Out4Immigration to get literature printed and distribute at your local PrideFest (contact Amos at amos@out4immigration.org). You will need to work with a vendor/exhibitor that will allow you to distribute O4I brochures at their booth in exchange for working with them to staff their booth for a while. This gives you a home base, shade, and a chance to enjoy the festivities and make friends. These very friends might be your support system when or while your partner is away and you need someone to talk to and understand what you are going through in your life.

9) Offer support amongst us all. Many of us are grieving the loss of our recently departed loved one back to their country of origin or are feeling very alone right now. Be that support system. Instant Karma - John Lennon will be proud of you. Imagine...

10) Be in-the-know. Follow the issues with immigration as they happen and disseminate factual information. There is a plethora of information and analysis on the internet and media. Keep us all in the loop with what you know. Be the expert.

Maybe you have done some or even all of these things. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep trying. I know, I do the same. I dream and I cry – but I always still hope and hoping and trying is something that no one can ever take away.

No one expects anyone to do all of the above. But doing some of the above, or even just one of the above, is what makes the collective difference for us to be effective.

Change your life and your weekly routine and see if some of this fits in to what you can do.

Think Globally, Act Locally.

You will make a difference. That positive difference from the efforts of today may be for your own life and the love that you will have for the rest of your life.

Once upon a time, I just watched something happen of injustice, and like a child lost in the wilderness I cried and exclaimed, “Why doesn’t somebody do something!” Then in my grief and profound despair from somewhere, from where I do not know, I heard this voice from far away that gently whispered in my ear,

"YOU are that somebody...".

Pete F.'s Story: Speaking Out for the First Time

[Out4Immigration has members all over the world. We encourage you to tell your story about the challenges of being in a same-sex binational relationship and how you are coping with the broken US immigration system that refuses to recognize our relationships. Today we have a guest blog post from Pete F., who tells us what it felt like to speak out for his rights, our rights, for the first time. We hope it will inspire more people to get active!]

Guest post by Pete F.

My name is Pete and I live in Connecticut. My partner is Chinese and lives in China.

Earlier this month I had the privilege of meeting my Congressman, Chris Murphy (D-CT), and spoke to him about the Uniting American Families Act (UAFA). Congressman Murphy initiated the meeting by reaching out to the Human Rights Campaign (HRC) asking them to gather together leaders of the LGBT community in Connecticut to talk about issues that are important to the LGBT community in the state. They wanted people to talk about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT), the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), the Student Non-Discrimination Act, and of course UAFA.

HRC had reached out to Tom Tierney from Out4immigration who reached out to me, knowing that I lived in the Congressman’s district. I was asked to speak about UAFA because I am in a bi-national same-sex relationship. I've never done anything like this before. I was definitely nervous. But over the phone, Tom helped me with a draft of the statement I planned to read, and on the day of the meeting, Congressman Murphy arrived and introduced himself to each of us who were there to speak. He is friendly to our cause and was relaxed and approachable. This was a good thing – because instead of letting me just read the statement about UAFA that I had prepared, Congressman Murphy asked me to simply tell my story.

Luckily, having spent so much time practicing my statement I had a good grasp of what I wanted to say. Yes, I know I left some things out. Yes, my presentation wasn’t as polished as it would have been had I been able to read from my prepared statement. However, the most important thing is that the Congressman heard my story; he heard OUR story; and seemed to understand what we are up against. He said that he would review UAFA again. He did not make a commitment to sign on as a cosponsor, but, with luck, he will. I’ll be able to follow up with his staff person for immigration in the future to see what he has decided.

I came out of this meeting with the following thoughts and feelings:

•I had an overwhelming sense of pride to be in the company of the other activists who spoke that day who are standing up for themselves and for us.
•Congressman Murphy is a friend to the LGBT community who understands and sympathizes with what we are up against. He spoke easily and knowledgeably about each of the topics. At the end of the day, my impression is that he clearly "gets it."
•If we don’t ask for the support of our leaders in federal, state, and local government, we won’t get their support. Congressman Murphy said that there are so many bills introduced that it’s impossible to assess and cosponsor them all, even though many of them may have merit. If we bring UAFA to the attention of our representatives in Congress and the Senate, they will have reason to review and possibly cosponsor.
•It’s not easy to open yourself up to an experience such as this. I felt many emotions: I felt anxious, vulnerable and exposed. But I also felt proud, welcome, and, in the end: satisfied.

I did my best at this meeting and next time I think I will be able to do even better. I urge you to get involved if you are able. Keep signing Out4immigration’s weekly letters to Congress at Change.org. That is so very important and so easy to do. (You can even uncheck the box so no one can see your name online.) Get a friend or loved one to sign them too. Keep telling people about UAFA. Keep telling your stories. Keep writing and calling our government leaders. We are the only ones that can make our lives what we want them to be.

[Thank you, Pete! Do you have a story to share? Please email kathy@out4immigration.org - because these stories will be featured as guest blog posts, they need to be 650 words or less. We know that's not a lot of space, but we can work with you to edit them to still be effective. We have no more powerful tool to raise awareness than our stories. Please think about sharing yours.]

Esther's Story: Luck and Frustration

[Out4Immigration has members all over the world. We encourage you to tell your story about the challenges of being in a same-sex binational relationship and how you are coping with the broken US immigration system that refuses to recognize our relationships. Today we have a guest blog post from Esther. It will make you hopeful. It will make you angry. It's meant to!]

Guest post by Esther

My name is Esther and I’ve been with my partner Kati for 5 years. I am from Paraguay, South America and Kati is American. We’re a same-sex binational couple and were living in Argentina together for several years because the US did not recognize our relationship for immigration purposes.

Until the law changes, we felt we only had one way to get back to America - the green card diversity lottery. I completed the application in late 2008 and then waited. We figured I had as much chance of winning this lottery as any other – but you have to try.

On the first of July, 2009 I checked the diversity visa lottery webpage at midnight, and that's how I found out that I had been selected (I never received any notification by mail). I still remember the moment we saw that webpage - Kati started crying and laughing at the same time. It was such an important, long-standing, seemingly impossible dream of hers to be able to go back to her country with me!

Later, in August, I was allowed to write to the Kentucky Consular Center and request the information that I never got in the mail. That's when the whole process started, of paperwork, emails, doctor's appointments, requesting records, and on and on and on. It finally ended with my interview at the US consulate in Buenos Aires on February 18th of this year (2010) when my application was approved. We left the country just a few weeks later and arrived in the US one month ago.

Kati is home and I am with her. We're happy here! We have an adorable apartment, jobs and some new friends. But, when I think about the way I got here it still makes me sad.

I'm in the US because I won a LOTTERY - a game of chance.

During the whole visa process, I could never mention that I have an American partner or that we have a relationship of 5 years. I never mentioned her name. In all the papers that I filled out I had to write that I was coming to the US alone and that I have no family here. I realize that legally, that is the case, but it's not true for me, in my heart.

I feel so much frustration because this country doesn't recognize my marital status, and I feel so much anger because one of the very few ways to get in is through a lottery, not because of the people here who I consider family members.

I’m here, but I'm not satisfied yet with the way things are. It is unjust. And that is why Kati and I will continue to stand with Out4Immigration to fight! Until the law is changed, I urge anyone who can to take part in the diversity lottery every year. You cannot let this chance pass you by. But just as important, you must do all you can to get the US to recognize same-sex binational relationships. Write letters, make phone calls, visit your representatives, ask local officials to get resolutions in support of UAFA passed and tell your story. The more people who know about this, the more likely we are to get more support.

[Thank you, Esther and Kati! Do you have a story to share? Please email kathy@out4immigration - because these stories will be featured as guest blog posts, they need to be 650 words or less. We know that's not a lot of space, but we can work with you to edit them to still be effective. We have no more powerful tool to raise awareness than our stories. Please think about sharing yours.]