Our Story: Susan and Julie

Daughter of U.S. Army Veteran Calls on Congress for Help

Binational Same-Sex Couples to Congress: “Enact LGBT-Inclusive Immigration Reform!”

The United States recently celebrated Thanksgiving and, while I am giving thanks for many things, one of my greatest sorrows during this holiday season is that my loving partner, Julie, was not with me to celebrate this greatest of American family holidays. Julie is my family – my chosen family. But our laws in the U.S. dictate that, even though we could legally marry in New York State, I am unable to sponsor her for immigration as my spouse.

It may seem rather cheesy to say we “met online” but, with technology as it is today, when a mutual friend introduced us to each other via email, we found we had a lot in common and became friends. We were email friends for two years before I met Julie in person during a business trip to Australia. And in that meeting, we confirmed that daily emails and weekly Skype visits had led us to more than simply friendship. We knew it would be hard – being a bi-national couple is hard on so many fronts – but being a same-sex couple, when neither of our countries recognized us as a couple, was a harsh reality that confronted us immediately.

I lived in Hong Kong at the time we met. When I retired in 2011, we were finally able to live together full time. We share homes in both Australia and the United States, but after a grilling at the Chicago airport earlier in 2012, we realized that Julie needed to be careful.

It’s been hard over the last several months. Both of my parents have had surgery, and I have become a primary supporter. Julie was trained as a nurse but, because we fear she might be barred at immigration, we decided that only I would come back to the U.S. to help them. My parents love and trust her, and it would benefit them for her to be able to be here. I would also benefit from her support.

I’ll be honest. I’m one of the lucky ones. Australia changed its laws in 2009 by defining a “de facto” couple as two people (opposite- or same-gender) who have a genuine, exclusive relationship, but who are not married. Australia has granted me permanent residency as a “de facto” partner. Julie and I went through a process that would be analogous to the US process for sponsoring a spouse for immigration. We proved that our relationship was genuine through a 5-inch stack of paper detailing the mingling of our finances, our daily Skype logs, our email presence, sworn support letters from her family of origin and my business colleagues, police checks (three different countries for me!), and a medical exam. I was granted a two-year temporary residency visa that allowed me to enter and leave Australia at will. Last August, that temporary visa was replaced with a Permanent Resident visa – the equivalent of a U.S. Green Card. I can live, work and pay taxes in Australia. The Australian government recognizes me as part of a couple.

Friends have asked us, “Why don’t you just live in Australia?” We could do that. But we have lives in both countries, and we have family in both countries. We have elderly parents in both countries. We have homes in both countries. If Australia recognizes us, why can’t the United States? Why must we choose one country over the other? Why should I essentially have to live in exile to be with my partner full-time?

My U.S. citizenship is very important to me. I was not born in the U.S. I am a naturalized U.S. citizen, as my father was serving in the United States Army in Germany when I was born. Even though I was born to U.S. citizens, I am not a “natural-born” US citizen. After all that my parents went through for our family and for our country, it’s very hard to be told that my relationship, my family, is not worthy to be in the United States.

The tide is turning in the United States. We celebrated with Maine, Washington and Maryland on Election Day as same-sex marriage was approved at the ballot box. We watch with fingers crossed as the Supreme Court of the United States decides whether to rule on the constitutionality of Section 3 of DOMA on November 30th. We pray for luck every May 1st when the results of the U.S. Diversity Lottery are announced.

For six years now, Julie and I have done everything we can to be together, even though U.S. laws keep us apart. We are both retired, and are watching our available funds for airline tickets dwindle. We watch the aging of our parents, and want to spend as much time with them as we can in their elder years.

We continue to hope. We continue to believe that we are human beings, with the same rights, the same dreams and the same feelings as our straight friends and family. We wish to have the pursuit of happiness in our own backyard!

We are America. We are Australia. We are a family.

Are you a same sex binational couple?  Do you have families / friends affected by this issue?  Please contact us at http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn if you are interested in sharing your story.

Our Story: Art and Stuart

As we head from Thanksgiving into the December holiday season, GetEQUAL and Out4Immigration are highlighting just a few of the stories of binational same-sex couples and the struggles they encounter daily in order to be together. This is the second in the series, and we’re thankful to both Out4Immigration and to Art and Stuart for sharing this story…

Texas Man Separated From Husband This Holiday Season Due to U.S. Law

Binational Same-Sex Couples to Congress: “Enact LGBT-Inclusive Immigration Reform!”

I am a music teacher in San Antonio, Texas, and have spent much of my life developing a mastery of the piano, the organ, and the voice.  I also love computers and online social networks, which is where I ultimately met my [now] husband, Stuart Metcalfe(-LeSieur).

Three years ago, I found Facebook — and thus a limitless opportunity to meet all sorts of people from all over the world. I was just coming out as a gay man and found the freedom of Facebook to be an incredibly powerful way to explore my emerging identity. As I waded through new Facebook friends, one in particular caught my attention — Stuart. I watched a video he had posted to Facebook — complete with charming British accent, which I immediately recognized after having been stationed in the United Kingdom while in the military. He was putting himself down for how he looked on camera, and I wrote back to affirm how great the video was — beginning an ongoing conversation of texts, chats, emails, and eventually Skype.

The first time we Skyped, I was so nervous and flustered that the only thing I could manage to get out was, “Hi! I like Monty Python!” Stuart was patient with me, suggesting that I might want to check out some more updated forms of British humor — and thus we began a friendship based in humor and deep conversations about nearly everything under the sun. As I went through a painful divorce that summer, Stuart was one of my biggest emotional supports — and my family soon welcomed him into the fold through Skype sessions of their own.

We continued to navigate our emerging relationship and tried to cobble together the money to see and talk with one another across the distance. I had never thought about the lengths that binational same-sex couples go to in order to be with one another, and the stress that adds to new — and even seasoned — relationships. We finally uttered the “L” word to one another — declaring our love even as Stuart was traveling in Egypt and I was in South Texas. When Stuart visited me in San Antonio soon thereafter, I dropped to one knee and asked him to marry me. He said yes, and we spent the next 19 months trying to figure out how to navigate the process of getting married in the United States and building a life here with my children.

My parents gave their blessing whole-heartedly and we married in my hometown in Massachusetts by a long-time friend of the family. Stuart can only visit the U.S. twice a year for about three weeks at a time, and we have no mechanism for him to move here permanently as long as the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is in place. His visits here require massive overtime work from him in order to afford each trip and to build up vacation days to spend with me. Those visits are met with great anticipation but, even with the joy of his arrival, there is always a looming sadness that the clock is ticking until his departure. Each time I drop him off at the airport, it’s like having my entire being ripped out of my body. Losing my spouse for such long periods of time tears me apart spiritually and emotionally — our home runs so beautifully when our children have two loving fathers physically at home, but I become overwhelmed when I return again to being a single father.

Despite being legally married in the state of Massachusetts, we cannot apply for a spousal visa so that Stuart and I can build a life together here in the United States. No marriage should have to endure this kind of stress and separation simply because of a discriminatory law. We’re simply asking for a chance to be together and to share the same civil rights that our friends, neighbors, and family enjoy. Holidays are especially difficult — it’s hard to decorate the house or enjoy the season when I’m longing for the day I can wake up early on a holiday morning to share a cup of coffee with my husband. Until the day that we truly see equal protection under the law for all, I’m left holding that cold cup of coffee alone — longing for the warm and loving home that my husband and I deserve.

Are you a same sex binational couple?  Do you have families / friends affected by this issue?  Please contact us at http://bit.ly/O4ICountMeIn if you are interested in sharing your story.

FAQs on Immigration, DOMA and Same-Sex Binational Couples

by Heather Rose

The past few weeks have seen a fantastic increase in main stream media attention to our issues. Unfortunately that attention brings with it inevitable questions and confusion from people who have never had to think about immigration in the context of the Defense of Marriage Act and the LGBT community. Rather than argue with every troll on the internet I decided to create a FAQ that I can refer people to when presented with common questions. While each of these questions is answered from my personal perspective, I think it may be helpful for others.

If anything I say is unclear or incorrect, please feel free to comment. Notice any missing common questions? Please leave a comment and we'll address it.

[Please note: For the purposes of this FAQ I am referring to my partner as my spouse. We are currently unable to get married in the State of California but would do so if we could.]

1. Q: Same sex couples can now get married in a few states. Can't you just marry in a state where it's legal and then sponsor your spouse for immigration?

A: No. Unfortunately the Defense of Marriage Act prevents the federal government from recognizing my same sex spouse as my spouse. As an un-married couple in the eyes of the federal government we are not eligible.

In fact, for some immigrants the simple act of getting married to an American citizen/permanent resident may jeopardize their ability to stay in the country. Many immigrants are here under visas that require them to leave at the end of the visa period. Getting married would demonstrate intent to stay and could violate the terms of their visa.

2. Q: Why can't your spouse just apply for a green card or another visa? People do that all the time.

A: One common sense thing I would ask in response to this question: If legal immigration is so easy, why do we have so many undocumented immigrants? The requirements for legal immigration are stringent. Most people would find that if their families had to immigrate to the US under current immigration law, they would not be eligible. The rules so many of our ancestors historically used to immigrate legally have changed, and most Americans who have never had to deal with immigration issues simply have no idea how hard it is to become a legal alien in the United States.

Despite having lived and worked here for five years, my spouse is not eligible for a green card. She has only been successful in obtaining a limited work visa that requires her to leave for at least one year before she can come back under another visa. Her personal educational circumstances make it difficult for her to obtain any other kind of visa. We're working on it but by no means is it a sure thing that she will be able to get a new visa.

3. Q: So you can't sponsor your spouse and she has to leave. She's from a country with a nice standard of living. Would it be so bad if you moved and lived there?

A: Traveling the world has been a lifelong goal, so yes, the prospect of living in a foreign country isn't entirely unappealing. What IS unappealing is that I am being forced to make this decision. It is patently unfair that other people are able to sponsor their spouses and I am not. Leaving the country should be a decision that I make voluntarily when the timing is right. As things stand right now, this will present a major hardship to my family and will completely disrupt my career. I am willing to leave to stay with her, but I shouldn't HAVE to leave in order for us to stay together. I should be able to sponsor her like any other married US citizen/permanent resident can do.

4. Q: I'm straight and it took six months/a year for me to bring my spouse/fiance to the US. Why are you complaining about possibly having to leave for a year?

A: I'm complaining because unlike you I don't have the option of sponsoring my spouse. Once she leaves the country there is no sure path for her to re-enter. This situation imposes undue stress and financial hardship on me, my spouse and my family.

5. Q: Why do you frequently pose this as an immigration problem when the problem is DOMA?

A: There are two parts to our situation. The first part is that DOMA prevents me from sponsoring her as my spouse. The second part is that she is simply not eligible for most legal forms of immigration. And that, in my mind at least, makes it an immigration problem just as much as a problem of discrimination against LGBT. My spouse is a brilliant woman working at the top of her field. She pays taxes and contributes to our community. [She also pays into Social Security, which she may never be able to claim.]

She should be welcomed with open arms. Instead, come the end of her visa, she will have to leave. This country is in the habit of "throwing out" decent, good people and it needs to stop. Our relationship should certainly be recognized but she should also be able to stay completely on her own merits.

6. Q: If I was in your situation, I would ask her to just stay in the country illegally or try to arrange a marriage of convenience. Why aren't you doing that?

A: We have decided that neither course is right for us and we are uncomfortable with the risks involved. Other couples in similar situations are not nearly so lucky in being able to afford the expense of moving together to a new country. We will also be able live comfortably together in Europe, whereas others are faced with moving to countries where it is dangerous or impossible to live as a same-sex couple or LGBT person. Still others make decisions based on healthcare or family considerations. Every situation is unique and I really can't judge people who take an illegal course of action in order to stay together.